1 post from October 2009

      Last night I stopped asking God, "what am I going to do with my life?" I have always had, at very least, a growing desire to DO something for people, something other than decaying behind a desk for the purpose of building a comfortable life. I knew I loved academia, but that knowledge was meant to be more than learned and then proven by diplomas. It was meant to be applied practically and purposefully as needed in befitting 'places' and places. One summer in Africa and introductory anthropology course - two and half months later I now recognize that with knowledge comes responsibility. The phrase sounds sadly cliche, butin the depths of linguistics, far below the crust of catch-phrases and buzz words, the truth of it's meaning yet remains and that ancestry keeps it from becoming so. In fact, that statement is the second most powerful statement of my life, second only to the words I strung together asking God to forgive me from my sins and take me as His own.
     Sara Groves, a Christian song writer known for her word-stitching creativity, wrote this piece back in 2007. It best speaks what I want to explain to you.

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

To micro quote, I saw what I saw and I can't go back. Or can I? Anthropology, though I love it, is like opening up a can of worms. It's fascinating, it's puzzling, it's mind-bending, and the further I go the more often I hesitate and ask myself, Do I really want to go there? Digging in means I become responsible for what I learn and it's doubt I will be able to justify continuing on my way as before.
      So I find myself standing before a partially open door with a choice to make.
             Option 1: close the door and return to what I knew life to be before, forgetting as best I can what God showed me there in the deserts, make a  comfortable life, earn a comfortable living, never have to worry beyond paying a mortgage, completing my projects, and getting the kids to soccer practice on time.  Comfortable. Stressful? Yes. Rewarding? Sure. Did I do something with my particular talents that God gave to me - me as in Barbara Helene McAlister? TBD.
             Option 2: open that door wide and pass through to take up the responsibility that became mine when I opened it in the first place by saying, "Lord, I want what you want." You might think the decision was already made then, but that was only the preliminary step. The desire was still to be tested. When God asked me this September, "Will you commit to me? Do you?" I said, "Yes Lord" It was then that I pulled wide the door which I had cracked open bit by bit over the last 20 years. Then today He extended His hand across the threshold to me and asked, "Will you?" and I reached out my own hand to His and took it. "I do." I cried, "With all my heart." I don't even remember if I bothered to close the door of the room I left behind me.
      When God made me He wove me with a vision just for me to dream and do. It is up to me to ask Him to reveal it to me, to inspire me with it. It is up to me to pray for it and prepare for it as one would prepare themselves to be a spouse - to grow in honesty and love, to learn self-control, to be bearer of peace and joy, to listen, to obey, to stand up and speak; all of these things and more as God shows me. In the act of crossing through the door I continued, "Lord, give me the vision. Inspire me with the vision of what it is that you want because I've crossed over now. I do want what you want." 

      The price of stepping through the door is that I forfeit my rights to decide my own path. But I have realized that I on my own I cannot stand and be counted as righteous, that I cannot have hope or real joy, that I cannot be a change-agent, that I am empty and nothing unless i submit myself to God. And then it is not about me anymore. It is about Him. Life is about Him. All of the human effort in the world is not enough to change it. Change cannot come from us. It must come from God. He must be the reason - and He is - that I get out of bed in the morning, that pursue my studies, that I love others and give to others. I can have no other reason than Christ in me. He is the hope and glory.   

This is how I know that I am growing up.